Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and everyone wants to talk about relationships, which is great. But while we celebrate happy, healthy relationships, it's also important to talk about relationships that may seem perfect from the outside but are actually toxic. This is for everyone to read, but especially young people that are just beginning to date and searching for love.

What is dating violence?

In short, it is any controlling, aggressive, or abusive behavior within relationships.

Dating violence could look like a boy who constantly needs to know where his girlfriend is and gets mad when she's not with him. It could look like a girl who slaps her boyfriend when she's mad. (Sidenote; dating violence can and does happen in homosexual relationships as well, I am just using heterosexual examples because I am speaking from a heterosexual viewpoint, but all of these apply to all relationships).

If your boyfriend or girlfriend calls you names, invalidates your feelings, pressures or threatens you into sexual situations, controls who you hang out with or what you wear, hits or pushes you, or attempts to manipulate you by threatening to hurt themselves if you leave, that probably means he or she is abusive.

If you find yourself in that situation the best thing to do would be leave. But abuse is complicated, and many people feel they can't break up with some who is abusive, at least not immediately. If that is your situation, then find a support system. Whether that means parents, or a counselor, or calling an abuse hotline, or all of the above, you need supportive loving people around you. Your significant other could try to prevent you from having that encouragement by telling you lies about your friends, or trying to convince you that their love is all you need. That is another type of abuse that you should try to watch out for.

The most important advice I have for you is know the warning signs, and don't be afraid to get help. Call the police if there is any physical or sexual violence, and seek help from trusted adults and professionals for other forms of abuse.

You all deserve to be treated with love, respect, and compassion. I hope you never need them, but here are some resources:

https://victimsofcrime.org/help-for-crime-victims/... This link includes signs of abuse, how to help a friend in an abusive situation, how to help yourself, legal rights of victims etc

http://www.thehotline.org/?gclid=Cj0KEQiAifvEBRCVx... This includes an online hotline as well as a number to call and helpful information

http://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/dating-viol... Some general statistics and information

https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/intimatepar... More information including who is at a higher risk for being in an unhealthy relationship

Walking The Walk

This weekend I was able to take a stand for a cause I believe in. It was my first protest and needless to say I was nervous. The organizers had briefed us on how to behave including that it would remain peaceful, that we were to respect any police officers present, and gave us suggestions for chants that got our point across without calling for violence or using obscenities. It was professionally set up and while my friends and I were excited for a week beforehand, we also were concerned that individuals not associated with our group might show up and cause trouble. We didn't want anything to damage the reputation of the organizers, invalidate the protest, or risk ourselves getting arrested if officers thought we were a part of a negative group.

But I learned I had no reason to worry. Around a thousand people showed up at the protest and we were a beautiful, peaceful, diverse bunch. There was a Catholic priest, representatives from a Muslim mosque, local government leaders, college students, and families of every color, religion, and ethnicity. Some signs were funny, some were inspiring, and some were satirical. The speakers were wonderful (although standing near the back I wished the microphone was a little louder). Everyone was full of energy. People were sharing personal stories and some were crying. But it always remained peaceful.

Law enforcement was present and we thanked each officer we passed while marching and those that watched over us at the capital building for protecting us. The leaders of the protests handed out information with contact information for senators and lists of charities we can donate to.

The entire experience was very motivating and inspiring. It was created to be more than just a one time event and I think it accomplished that goal. Whether change is made or not remains to be seen, but until then I am going to continue going to protests, continue contacting my representatives, continue volunteering, and most importantly continue to be an ally for oppressed people.

7 Ways To Influence Change

Fight for what you believe in.

The world is weird right now. To me personally, it feels a bit like it is falling apart. I am able to have hope through my faith in Jesus Christ, but I also believe that it is just believing things will get better is not enough. Jesus was an active force for change and while I am FAR from the perfect Savior that Jesus was, I believe we should all do our part to create a better world as well.Sometimes that seems hard to do though. After all, I'm just a college student. I don't make laws, I have very little money to donate, I don't preach to congregations or speak at political rallies. It would seem that there isn't much I can to do change what I don't like and fight for what I believe in.

But here are a list of ways that anyone can influence change:

1. Vote

Not just every four years for the President. Vote in primaries. Vote for school board officials. Vote for majors, and governors and state legislators. Part of the privilege and responsibility of living in a democracy is that we are able to elect our representatives.

2. Give-time and money

If you believe in something, show it. Give what you have. If you have money but not time then donate. If you have time but not money then volunteer. Or do both. If you want to fight for education then volunteer at after school programs, buy things from fundraisers, and ask teachers if they need anything.

3. Contact representatives

Call them. Write emails and letters. Here is where you can find your senator's contact information. Here is where you can find your state representative's contact information.

4. Sign petitions

The white house has a page called "https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/" with petitions created and signed by fellow citizens. If a petition reaches 100,00 thousand signatures, a response is required from the White House.

5. Research and discuss issues

First make sure you are using good sources. This image is a helpful guide to letting you know how biased a source might be. Once you have informed yourself about important issues then talk to others about them. Whether you do so through social media, blogs, one-on-one discussions or even organizing small community meetings is up to you. But nothing can change is we ignore problems.

6. Protest

Boycotts, sit-ins, marches, and other protests are a huge part of American history and can be a great way for voices to be heard.

7. Pray

I believe in the power of prayer and I totally respect that others don't, so this advice may not be for everyone. But to those who do, pray for wisdom for our leaders.

If this interests you, this is a list of other nonviolent actions you can take. I don't advocate for all of these, so take them with a grain of salt, but they are a place to start.

To My Friends Protesting

To all my friends that are attending or have attending the protests this week: thank you for standing up for our beliefs. I wanted to march in Washington with you but wasn't able to. I truly hope from the bottom of my heart that the next four years are a good four years for our country. For the middle class and those in poverty, I hope our government challenges corruption, fights for women's rights and the right's of minorities, for veteran's and for our education system. There's so many areas in which I hope American becomes great and greatness throughout our history has often stemmed from protests. So keep protesting for change.

But when we protest we must be sure to do it peacefully. The Women's March is a great example of that, but yesterday protests at the Inauguration turned violent. Smashing windows and getting aggressive doesn't help our cause. I know you are angry. But take lessons from Martin Luther King Jr. and the Civil Rights Movement. Consciously remain nonviolent regardless of what is going on around you.

I know most of the demonstrations have remained peaceful and that brings me joy, but the aggressive few get a lot of news coverage and only damage the ideas we are trying to fight for.

Stand up for your beliefs and stand up for peace.

Reflections Of The Past

The legacy of my great-grandmother

I've really struggled with what to write this week. My great grandmother, or Nana-great passed away this weekend at the age of 96. I wanted to write something for her, but had to wrestle with the fact that due to her dementia and aging, I didn't truly know the women that she was. After attending her funeral however, I have realized that I see a lot of Margaret Gilmour in the rest of my family. So while I don't have many memories of my Nana-great, this week I want to write about her legacy.

I have grown up surrounded by powerful women. My mother, aunts, and grandmother are all incredibly thoughtful, independent, courageous, and loving. After hearing my Nana-great described as a "force of nature" at her funeral, I am beginning to realize I see her legacy everyday.

When asked why she got two masters, one in reading, on in special education, Nana-great once said "I just love helping people." I see her love for teaching and working with children with special needs continue on in the teaching careers of my mom and Nona. I see her love for helping others in the way my mom and aunts volunteer their time and have passed on that commitment to their children.

I see the fierce strong-will I have heard described so many times in all of the women in my family. In our passion for our causes, in our arguments, in our determination to succeed. I see the leadership that she used in DAR, teachings and church in my Nona's and Mom's ability to command a room.

I've heard that she never went anywhere without "her face on", including of course, her red lipstick. She taught my Nona how to dress like a debutante and how to make a good impression, and Nona in turn passed on the importance of looking the part when you need to, to her children and later her grandchildren. I see her in my aunts' love of makeup and jewelry and in my sister's fashion sense.

Nana-great was an independent spirit. She raised three children while my great-grandpa served in the military, was an extremely educated woman, had a successful career, and even traveled abroad without her husband. She taught my Nona the importance of a woman being able to take care of herself. I see her legacy in the independent, passionate women that surround me.

Throughout her adult life Nana-great had two great loves. Her family and the St. Lawrence River. I see those loves reflected around me; in my family's loyalty to each other, in my cousins' joy when they go on boat rides, in my Nona's stories of summers on the island and in over a hundred years of family history stored in photo album, ledgers, and journals.

More than I ever have before, I see her legacy when I look in the mirror. Learning more about the woman that my Nana-great was, I see her in myself. I see her in my love of education and books, in my stubbornness that is both a strength and a weakness, in my love for the river, for my family, and for volunteering. I see her leadership and strength developing in myself as I look for guidance to my mother. Her life was 96 years full, and her legacy will live even longer. I hope that my children become the strong, capable, and graceful people that my great-grandmother was.

New Year, Better Me

Ok so I have a confession to make. I have never been able to keep a New Year's Resolution. Most of us go into the new year with grad idea about how we are going to change our lives. Maybe it's quitting a bad habit, or eating healthier. Maybe you want to spend more time with friends or change your performance at school or work. But if you are like me, you fall off of whatever new pattern you are trying to develop by the end of January, February at the best.

This year however, I am not making a resolution as concrete as those. This year, I am promising myself to be the best me I can be. A lot changes in a year, and I think trying to stick to one specific goal is pretty difficult when you don't know what the next 365 days will bring. But making a conscious effort everyday to be my best is a lot more broad. This means I will be exercising when I can, not to lose weight, but to gain energy and feel good. It means I am going to journal and write emotional poetry and highlight dozens of Bible verses. It means I am going to listen to my friends, go on adventures, volunteer my time and work hard. Every day being my best may look different. And I am sure that some days I will still be moody, or lazy, or just not shine my brightest. But I am going to make 2017 a good year, regardless of what happens.

Happiness

What is happiness?



Happiness is

The pungent smell of the barn overwhelming my senses on a Saturday morning

Hot, gooey, sweet cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning

Waves breaking across the river in the darkest part of the night



Happiness is

23 voices raised in a cappella praise in a rickety bus

Having a child wrap their arms around your neck

4 am conversations with the one person who understands you at your deepest level



Happiness is

Breathing in the sweet smell of horse breath

The bitterness of Costa Rican coffee

The warm touch of someone’s lips on your forehead



Happiness is

Abdominal shaking, rolling on the floor, out of breath laughter

Heart pounding and legs shaking after a run

Slobbery dog kisses and paws climbing up you

It is shooting stars, fireflies, fireworks, and the hot sun

It is melty s'mores, midnight swims, the adrenaline rush of flipping out of a tube

It is long slow kiss, his thumb rubbing the back of your hand, hair being brushed behind your ears

It is snowflakes dusting your eyelashes, hot chocolate, classes being canceled



Happiness is

The vibrant red of autumn leaves, the world being lit on fire

The first buds of spring

Looking back at the changes in your life like the change of the seasons



Happiness is

Drowning out the troubles of the world with music blasting in your ears

Taking off your bra at the end of a long day

Dissolving into a pile of pillows



Happiness is

Loud, rambunctious family gatherings

Watching those you care about succeed

Sitting in comfortable silence with someone just to be together

It is being told you can’t and then doing it anyways

It is fighting for what is right and seeing results

It is respecting others and earning the respect of others

It is overcoming, persevering, rising up



Happiness is

The satisfaction gained through highlighting and color coding all of your notes

Walking out of a test knowing that you did well and that it’s over

Realizing that the homework isn’t due tomorrow



Happiness is

Coming home to your mother’s smile, your sisters’ laughs, your father’s jokes

Smooth, soft cat fur and the motor of his purr

Sitting by the fireplace breathing in the smell of wood



Happiness is

Long text messages that make you cry

Handwritten cursive letters

Knowing that someone took the time to think of you

It is a thousand ripples after you skipped the perfect rock

It is the musty, almond-like smell of old books

It is racing head first down a hill, feet off the pedals, flying

It is a city full of lights down below and clouds next to you as you travel



Happiness is

Looking up in at the paint on your ceiling talking to God

The fluff and soft peeps of baby chicks

The weathered hands of an old man as he teaches you to fish

Happiness is

Cool droplets and bubbling suds all over when you really should just be washing the car

Seeing the familiar face of a distant friend

Baggy, oversized sweatshirts



Happiness is

The times we wished time would stop

The images we capture in our mind

To draw from and lean on when all seems lost

To The Men Lurking On The Street

For one of my classes, I am writing a paper about rape culture and sexual assault in America. As a part of that paper, I wrote this poem based on stories of my friends, personal experience, and the general experiences of women in this society. TRIGGER WARNING: while this poem is primarily a letter to cat-calling men, it does discuss fear and sexual harassment that could be very upsetting for some people. Please do not read if it would be damaging to your mental health. It also includes some foul language which I normally do not use, but deemed necessary to get my message across, so if that offends you please be prepared.

To The Men Lurking On The Street

“Hey honey why don’t you smile?”

“Damn the things I’d do to that body”

“Girl you look fine”

“Baby why don’t you come over here?”

Ever think that I’m not smiling because I am afraid?

Do you even realize I am a person?

This pair of breasts,

This butt,

These legs,

They are attached to a human being.

I have a brain

And a heart

And a personality.

Oh, but it’s just a compliment, right?

But I don’t remember telling you that you had the right

To comment on my body.

I don’t care what you want to do to me

Because I don’t want to do any of those things with you.

Don’t call me an ugly bitch when I walk away.

“You’d look prettier if you’d smile”

“Daaaammmmmnnnnn girl why you so stuck up?”

Well I have news for you,

I am more than a pretty object that you want to give you some attention.

Have you ever had someone grab your leg and try to touch you?

Have you ever had something think they were entitled to see your body,

To grope your chest because you were nice to them?

Have you been followed on the street?

Have you been afraid to walk alone?

This is what women experience.

Your “innocent” cat-calling can leave us trembling.

We cross the street when we see a group of men.

We speed up when you are behind us.

We carry our keys like weapons

Because 1 in 4 of us will become victims.

I am lucky enough not to be

1 in 4.

But 14 people I love were not that lucky.

You need to understand that

Your words are not compliments

They are threats.

Keep your mouth shut next time you see me.

I am not some "pussy" you can grab.

I do not exist for your pleasure;

I deserve respect

And from now on I will demand it.

How I Am Learning To Respond, Not React To The Election

"You should be angry. You must not be bitter. Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. It doesn’t do anything to the object of its displeasure. So use that anger. You write it. You paint it. You dance it. You march it. You vote it. You do everything about it. You talk it. Never stop talking it." -Maya Angelou

This was the first general election I have ever participated in. I stayed up till 1 a.m. in the multicultural lounge at my school holding the hands of my friends. We all went in with high hopes of electing a president we felt would protect minorities, stand up for justice, and represent the whole of the USA. As we saw state after state turn red, I watched as my friends of color went pale.

We cried.

One of my Puerto Rican friends called her mom and said that she was terrified she is going to start getting asked to show paperwork which she doesn't have since she was a natural born American citizen. Someone told her to get deported. My African American friends were afraid to go outside after seeing footage of people threatening the lives of black Americans and calling them the n-word. Women like me are afraid that if a man who brags about sexual assault can get elected, what does it say about rape culture in America? My friends who want to be teachers are questioning how they can teach their classes to not bully students who are different, when society is saying it is perfectly fine to bully those with disabilities and others in minority groups.

I am scared for my friends because it seems as though this culture is dehumanizing them and refusing to believe that their lives and voices matter.

In the first two days after the election, hate crimes occurred at a terrifying rate.

Yesterday I was mourning the ideals I thought my country had. But today I am back to fighting for them.

Originally published November 14, 2017

So I understand if you are afraid, feel betrayed or hurt or ashamed of your country. I understand. I am here to cry with, to listen to you, and to pray for you. But soon the time for crying will be over. He won. And his presidency may not be as bad as we fear. We have other voices in government. In two years we vote again for members of Congress, in the meantime we can write letters, hold marches, advocate. Many Republicans do not agree with the racist, homophobic, Islamophobic, and misogynistic rhetoric that has followed Trump and some of his supporters, so they will not allow some of his awful policies to pass. He is not a dictator, he has limitations. Politically, we need to do as Maya Angelou said, we can be angry, but we should not let it become bitterness. Anger is an emotion and you should always be allowed to feel what you feel. But we are called to love and be unified. Let's work together to use anger for positive change. Let's listen. Let's pray. Let's talk and march and create art and be heard. Let's vote. Let's call and sign petitions and volunteer. I have faith that somehow God will use this for good. So far I have seen minority groups banding together in love and support. I have seen white allies like me being forced to speak out. I have seen these topics finally brought up in the church.These next four years we must stay strong. We need not let bitterness grow within us.

Respect the office of the presidency. You don't have to respect the individual who holds it. But please respect the office. Please use the political process, use the media, use art, use love, use your voices to make the change you want to see. Remember to listen to others as you want to be listened to. Remember to respond in love.

My friends, I am afraid, but I know that I have a God who is bigger than my fear and who loves all of us. Yesterday I was mourning the ideals I thought my country had. But today I am back to fighting for them. I will pray for the leaders of our nation and I will pray for wisdom and love for all people. I will support and lift up the voices of my friends who are not in the position of privilege I have as a white, able-bodied, heterosexual, Christian. I will respect and obey those above me as long as no injustice is committed. I love you all. I pray for you all, regardless of who you voted for.

To My "Baby" Sister Who's Not So Little Anymore

I can't believe you are 16 already. In my head, part of you will always be the little girl who beat me in wrestling matches in the basement, the one who made me look for fairies every single camping trip and the one who always chose the bigger cookie. But I am astonished by the woman you are growing up to be.

We haven't always gotten along, no sisters do. But now you are my best friend, my closest confidante and the one I can always count on to to call my on my BS or give me an honest opinion. You have grown up into a strong, intelligent and independent woman. There is so much I admire about you. Your way with little kids. Your excellence in school. Your dedication to and love of sports regardless of how many times you get injured. Your loyalty to your friends. I am so excited to see who you will become as you spread your wings.

Sweet 16 will bring with it driving, jobs, boys, and a whole host of responsibilities and adventures. Make the most of every minute. It won't always be easy. But growing up is the ride of a lifetime.

I am so proud of everything you have accomplished in your 16 years and I hope this next year is a great one.

6 Things I Learned From My First Semester At College

So I survived my first semester at college! And I loved every minute of it! Here are a few things that I've learned in my first 14 weeks away from home.

1. College is very different than high school

This is a cliche but it's so true. At college you are in control of your schedule. You choose which classes to take, which professors you have, and what you do with your free time. It's very easy to procrastinate without strict schedules and parents, but it's also very easy to develop time management skills and get involved in all kinds of activities. In college, at least at a small school like mine, you also have the opportunity to get to know professors in a way that just isn't possible in high school.

2. Getting out of the dorm is important

Homesickness is a very real struggle, and so are boredom and depression. All of which get worse when you are inside the same four walls doing nothing all day. I can't stress enough how important it is to go out and do things. Whether it's playing a sport, joining an academic club, going to town with friends, or even just hanging out around campus, do not stay in your room all the time. It's nice to have a place to retreat to and feel at home it, but make sure you aren't there 24/7.

3. Finals are survivable

Finals week sucks, there's no denying that. But there are ways to get through it without going completely insane. First, don't save all of your studying for finals week. Make sure you are working on final papers and projects in advance and doing at least some of the reading you need to. Then, prioritize and make sure you include time to de-stress. My friends and I popped bubble wrap, ate ice cream, had a rotation of naps, colored, and screamed at midnight every night to help eliminate some of the stress we had.

4. Everyone's roommate relationship will be different and that's okay

My roommates and I are best friends and plan on living together next year. I have other friends who cohabitate with their roommates and get along fine, but aren't necessary close friends. And I know people who for various reasons switched their rooming situation at the end of the first semester. Every situation is different and it is all a learning experience. Regardless of who you room with and what your relationship with them looks like, learning to live with another person. or more than one other person, is an important part of the college experience and growing up.

5. College friendships form deeply and quickly

Relationships in college seem to develop faster than any other friendships I have had so far. I don't know if it was because we were living in close proximity to one another or because we were all going through the same huge life changes at the same time, but by the end of the first month most people I know had established a core of friends that only grew and deepen as the semester progressed. College friends see you at the worst part of your mental breakdowns and at your highest moments. If you find the right people, they may even become your second family.

6.If you are struggling, take advantage of resources on campus

College is hard. Whether you are struggling academically, homesick, or going through a difficult time, a lot of schools offer various resources such as tutoring, a writing center, or even counseling. They are there to help, and you do pay for these services, so you might as well take advantage of them to help yourself be your best in all areas of life.