Reflections Of The Past

The legacy of my great-grandmother

I've really struggled with what to write this week. My great grandmother, or Nana-great passed away this weekend at the age of 96. I wanted to write something for her, but had to wrestle with the fact that due to her dementia and aging, I didn't truly know the women that she was. After attending her funeral however, I have realized that I see a lot of Margaret Gilmour in the rest of my family. So while I don't have many memories of my Nana-great, this week I want to write about her legacy.

I have grown up surrounded by powerful women. My mother, aunts, and grandmother are all incredibly thoughtful, independent, courageous, and loving. After hearing my Nana-great described as a "force of nature" at her funeral, I am beginning to realize I see her legacy everyday.

When asked why she got two masters, one in reading, on in special education, Nana-great once said "I just love helping people." I see her love for teaching and working with children with special needs continue on in the teaching careers of my mom and Nona. I see her love for helping others in the way my mom and aunts volunteer their time and have passed on that commitment to their children.

I see the fierce strong-will I have heard described so many times in all of the women in my family. In our passion for our causes, in our arguments, in our determination to succeed. I see the leadership that she used in DAR, teachings and church in my Nona's and Mom's ability to command a room.

I've heard that she never went anywhere without "her face on", including of course, her red lipstick. She taught my Nona how to dress like a debutante and how to make a good impression, and Nona in turn passed on the importance of looking the part when you need to, to her children and later her grandchildren. I see her in my aunts' love of makeup and jewelry and in my sister's fashion sense.

Nana-great was an independent spirit. She raised three children while my great-grandpa served in the military, was an extremely educated woman, had a successful career, and even traveled abroad without her husband. She taught my Nona the importance of a woman being able to take care of herself. I see her legacy in the independent, passionate women that surround me.

Throughout her adult life Nana-great had two great loves. Her family and the St. Lawrence River. I see those loves reflected around me; in my family's loyalty to each other, in my cousins' joy when they go on boat rides, in my Nona's stories of summers on the island and in over a hundred years of family history stored in photo album, ledgers, and journals.

More than I ever have before, I see her legacy when I look in the mirror. Learning more about the woman that my Nana-great was, I see her in myself. I see her in my love of education and books, in my stubbornness that is both a strength and a weakness, in my love for the river, for my family, and for volunteering. I see her leadership and strength developing in myself as I look for guidance to my mother. Her life was 96 years full, and her legacy will live even longer. I hope that my children become the strong, capable, and graceful people that my great-grandmother was.

New Year, Better Me

Ok so I have a confession to make. I have never been able to keep a New Year's Resolution. Most of us go into the new year with grad idea about how we are going to change our lives. Maybe it's quitting a bad habit, or eating healthier. Maybe you want to spend more time with friends or change your performance at school or work. But if you are like me, you fall off of whatever new pattern you are trying to develop by the end of January, February at the best.

This year however, I am not making a resolution as concrete as those. This year, I am promising myself to be the best me I can be. A lot changes in a year, and I think trying to stick to one specific goal is pretty difficult when you don't know what the next 365 days will bring. But making a conscious effort everyday to be my best is a lot more broad. This means I will be exercising when I can, not to lose weight, but to gain energy and feel good. It means I am going to journal and write emotional poetry and highlight dozens of Bible verses. It means I am going to listen to my friends, go on adventures, volunteer my time and work hard. Every day being my best may look different. And I am sure that some days I will still be moody, or lazy, or just not shine my brightest. But I am going to make 2017 a good year, regardless of what happens.

Happiness

What is happiness?



Happiness is

The pungent smell of the barn overwhelming my senses on a Saturday morning

Hot, gooey, sweet cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning

Waves breaking across the river in the darkest part of the night



Happiness is

23 voices raised in a cappella praise in a rickety bus

Having a child wrap their arms around your neck

4 am conversations with the one person who understands you at your deepest level



Happiness is

Breathing in the sweet smell of horse breath

The bitterness of Costa Rican coffee

The warm touch of someone’s lips on your forehead



Happiness is

Abdominal shaking, rolling on the floor, out of breath laughter

Heart pounding and legs shaking after a run

Slobbery dog kisses and paws climbing up you

It is shooting stars, fireflies, fireworks, and the hot sun

It is melty s'mores, midnight swims, the adrenaline rush of flipping out of a tube

It is long slow kiss, his thumb rubbing the back of your hand, hair being brushed behind your ears

It is snowflakes dusting your eyelashes, hot chocolate, classes being canceled



Happiness is

The vibrant red of autumn leaves, the world being lit on fire

The first buds of spring

Looking back at the changes in your life like the change of the seasons



Happiness is

Drowning out the troubles of the world with music blasting in your ears

Taking off your bra at the end of a long day

Dissolving into a pile of pillows



Happiness is

Loud, rambunctious family gatherings

Watching those you care about succeed

Sitting in comfortable silence with someone just to be together

It is being told you can’t and then doing it anyways

It is fighting for what is right and seeing results

It is respecting others and earning the respect of others

It is overcoming, persevering, rising up



Happiness is

The satisfaction gained through highlighting and color coding all of your notes

Walking out of a test knowing that you did well and that it’s over

Realizing that the homework isn’t due tomorrow



Happiness is

Coming home to your mother’s smile, your sisters’ laughs, your father’s jokes

Smooth, soft cat fur and the motor of his purr

Sitting by the fireplace breathing in the smell of wood



Happiness is

Long text messages that make you cry

Handwritten cursive letters

Knowing that someone took the time to think of you

It is a thousand ripples after you skipped the perfect rock

It is the musty, almond-like smell of old books

It is racing head first down a hill, feet off the pedals, flying

It is a city full of lights down below and clouds next to you as you travel



Happiness is

Looking up in at the paint on your ceiling talking to God

The fluff and soft peeps of baby chicks

The weathered hands of an old man as he teaches you to fish

Happiness is

Cool droplets and bubbling suds all over when you really should just be washing the car

Seeing the familiar face of a distant friend

Baggy, oversized sweatshirts



Happiness is

The times we wished time would stop

The images we capture in our mind

To draw from and lean on when all seems lost

To The Men Lurking On The Street

For one of my classes, I am writing a paper about rape culture and sexual assault in America. As a part of that paper, I wrote this poem based on stories of my friends, personal experience, and the general experiences of women in this society. TRIGGER WARNING: while this poem is primarily a letter to cat-calling men, it does discuss fear and sexual harassment that could be very upsetting for some people. Please do not read if it would be damaging to your mental health. It also includes some foul language which I normally do not use, but deemed necessary to get my message across, so if that offends you please be prepared.

To The Men Lurking On The Street

“Hey honey why don’t you smile?”

“Damn the things I’d do to that body”

“Girl you look fine”

“Baby why don’t you come over here?”

Ever think that I’m not smiling because I am afraid?

Do you even realize I am a person?

This pair of breasts,

This butt,

These legs,

They are attached to a human being.

I have a brain

And a heart

And a personality.

Oh, but it’s just a compliment, right?

But I don’t remember telling you that you had the right

To comment on my body.

I don’t care what you want to do to me

Because I don’t want to do any of those things with you.

Don’t call me an ugly bitch when I walk away.

“You’d look prettier if you’d smile”

“Daaaammmmmnnnnn girl why you so stuck up?”

Well I have news for you,

I am more than a pretty object that you want to give you some attention.

Have you ever had someone grab your leg and try to touch you?

Have you ever had something think they were entitled to see your body,

To grope your chest because you were nice to them?

Have you been followed on the street?

Have you been afraid to walk alone?

This is what women experience.

Your “innocent” cat-calling can leave us trembling.

We cross the street when we see a group of men.

We speed up when you are behind us.

We carry our keys like weapons

Because 1 in 4 of us will become victims.

I am lucky enough not to be

1 in 4.

But 14 people I love were not that lucky.

You need to understand that

Your words are not compliments

They are threats.

Keep your mouth shut next time you see me.

I am not some "pussy" you can grab.

I do not exist for your pleasure;

I deserve respect

And from now on I will demand it.

How I Am Learning To Respond, Not React To The Election

"You should be angry. You must not be bitter. Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. It doesn’t do anything to the object of its displeasure. So use that anger. You write it. You paint it. You dance it. You march it. You vote it. You do everything about it. You talk it. Never stop talking it." -Maya Angelou

This was the first general election I have ever participated in. I stayed up till 1 a.m. in the multicultural lounge at my school holding the hands of my friends. We all went in with high hopes of electing a president we felt would protect minorities, stand up for justice, and represent the whole of the USA. As we saw state after state turn red, I watched as my friends of color went pale.

We cried.

One of my Puerto Rican friends called her mom and said that she was terrified she is going to start getting asked to show paperwork which she doesn't have since she was a natural born American citizen. Someone told her to get deported. My African American friends were afraid to go outside after seeing footage of people threatening the lives of black Americans and calling them the n-word. Women like me are afraid that if a man who brags about sexual assault can get elected, what does it say about rape culture in America? My friends who want to be teachers are questioning how they can teach their classes to not bully students who are different, when society is saying it is perfectly fine to bully those with disabilities and others in minority groups.

I am scared for my friends because it seems as though this culture is dehumanizing them and refusing to believe that their lives and voices matter.

In the first two days after the election, hate crimes occurred at a terrifying rate.

Yesterday I was mourning the ideals I thought my country had. But today I am back to fighting for them.

Originally published November 14, 2017

So I understand if you are afraid, feel betrayed or hurt or ashamed of your country. I understand. I am here to cry with, to listen to you, and to pray for you. But soon the time for crying will be over. He won. And his presidency may not be as bad as we fear. We have other voices in government. In two years we vote again for members of Congress, in the meantime we can write letters, hold marches, advocate. Many Republicans do not agree with the racist, homophobic, Islamophobic, and misogynistic rhetoric that has followed Trump and some of his supporters, so they will not allow some of his awful policies to pass. He is not a dictator, he has limitations. Politically, we need to do as Maya Angelou said, we can be angry, but we should not let it become bitterness. Anger is an emotion and you should always be allowed to feel what you feel. But we are called to love and be unified. Let's work together to use anger for positive change. Let's listen. Let's pray. Let's talk and march and create art and be heard. Let's vote. Let's call and sign petitions and volunteer. I have faith that somehow God will use this for good. So far I have seen minority groups banding together in love and support. I have seen white allies like me being forced to speak out. I have seen these topics finally brought up in the church.These next four years we must stay strong. We need not let bitterness grow within us.

Respect the office of the presidency. You don't have to respect the individual who holds it. But please respect the office. Please use the political process, use the media, use art, use love, use your voices to make the change you want to see. Remember to listen to others as you want to be listened to. Remember to respond in love.

My friends, I am afraid, but I know that I have a God who is bigger than my fear and who loves all of us. Yesterday I was mourning the ideals I thought my country had. But today I am back to fighting for them. I will pray for the leaders of our nation and I will pray for wisdom and love for all people. I will support and lift up the voices of my friends who are not in the position of privilege I have as a white, able-bodied, heterosexual, Christian. I will respect and obey those above me as long as no injustice is committed. I love you all. I pray for you all, regardless of who you voted for.

To My "Baby" Sister Who's Not So Little Anymore

I can't believe you are 16 already. In my head, part of you will always be the little girl who beat me in wrestling matches in the basement, the one who made me look for fairies every single camping trip and the one who always chose the bigger cookie. But I am astonished by the woman you are growing up to be.

We haven't always gotten along, no sisters do. But now you are my best friend, my closest confidante and the one I can always count on to to call my on my BS or give me an honest opinion. You have grown up into a strong, intelligent and independent woman. There is so much I admire about you. Your way with little kids. Your excellence in school. Your dedication to and love of sports regardless of how many times you get injured. Your loyalty to your friends. I am so excited to see who you will become as you spread your wings.

Sweet 16 will bring with it driving, jobs, boys, and a whole host of responsibilities and adventures. Make the most of every minute. It won't always be easy. But growing up is the ride of a lifetime.

I am so proud of everything you have accomplished in your 16 years and I hope this next year is a great one.

6 Things I Learned From My First Semester At College

So I survived my first semester at college! And I loved every minute of it! Here are a few things that I've learned in my first 14 weeks away from home.

1. College is very different than high school

This is a cliche but it's so true. At college you are in control of your schedule. You choose which classes to take, which professors you have, and what you do with your free time. It's very easy to procrastinate without strict schedules and parents, but it's also very easy to develop time management skills and get involved in all kinds of activities. In college, at least at a small school like mine, you also have the opportunity to get to know professors in a way that just isn't possible in high school.

2. Getting out of the dorm is important

Homesickness is a very real struggle, and so are boredom and depression. All of which get worse when you are inside the same four walls doing nothing all day. I can't stress enough how important it is to go out and do things. Whether it's playing a sport, joining an academic club, going to town with friends, or even just hanging out around campus, do not stay in your room all the time. It's nice to have a place to retreat to and feel at home it, but make sure you aren't there 24/7.

3. Finals are survivable

Finals week sucks, there's no denying that. But there are ways to get through it without going completely insane. First, don't save all of your studying for finals week. Make sure you are working on final papers and projects in advance and doing at least some of the reading you need to. Then, prioritize and make sure you include time to de-stress. My friends and I popped bubble wrap, ate ice cream, had a rotation of naps, colored, and screamed at midnight every night to help eliminate some of the stress we had.

4. Everyone's roommate relationship will be different and that's okay

My roommates and I are best friends and plan on living together next year. I have other friends who cohabitate with their roommates and get along fine, but aren't necessary close friends. And I know people who for various reasons switched their rooming situation at the end of the first semester. Every situation is different and it is all a learning experience. Regardless of who you room with and what your relationship with them looks like, learning to live with another person. or more than one other person, is an important part of the college experience and growing up.

5. College friendships form deeply and quickly

Relationships in college seem to develop faster than any other friendships I have had so far. I don't know if it was because we were living in close proximity to one another or because we were all going through the same huge life changes at the same time, but by the end of the first month most people I know had established a core of friends that only grew and deepen as the semester progressed. College friends see you at the worst part of your mental breakdowns and at your highest moments. If you find the right people, they may even become your second family.

6.If you are struggling, take advantage of resources on campus

College is hard. Whether you are struggling academically, homesick, or going through a difficult time, a lot of schools offer various resources such as tutoring, a writing center, or even counseling. They are there to help, and you do pay for these services, so you might as well take advantage of them to help yourself be your best in all areas of life.